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The Chronic Illness Life

As I was laying in bed last night thinking about a numerous things, a lot of it is not attainable without someone driving me.  This made me so angry and upset since I have a nice car, paid for and has gas and I cannot drive it because of this stupid nerve bullshit.  Yeah, I’m thankful for what I do have but why is shit being taken away from me?

I seriously am going stir crazy in this house without any means, on my own, to leave.  Yes, I can call my peeps to drive me wherever but the luxury of doing it by myself is gone.  POOF!  Even just to walk to my grocery store which is about a 6 minute walk (no kidding) is a challenge for me.  I’m just so depressed that I cannot do for myself lately that I just don’t care what happens anymore.  I want to destroy my body and start new.  I know that ain’t gonna happen but that is how I feel.  I tried reading positive affirmations and whatnot but it just not helping today.  Maybe it’s a lack of good sleep that’s making me into a Queen Bitch but damn it, I deserve a break.  It’s always one thing clears up and another pops up.  I just want one week of everything working correctly.  I know my brain and heart are healthy but these two ‘kids’ aren’t playing nice with each other.

I am coming out of my skin with being here everyday.  Thankfully, the weather is getting nicer and I can get outside.  I clearly understand why us chronic illness folks say ‘I’m fine’ when someone asks how we are.  I really don’t want to be reminded.  I mean thanks for asking but I honestly don’t want to be reminded of this bullshit.  I hope, whoever reads this, are grateful for the ability to do things without the help of others.  I miss driving and visiting my mom.  I miss just driving up to Kroger and getting stuff for dinner that night.  I miss my spontaneous trip to Taco Bell because I had a hankering for tacos.  Everything just stopped…my world stopped.  I now watch it go by from a picture window as I sit on the couch.  This plain sucks ass…

 

**DJSpoonieGirl**