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My Dark Cloud

I am going through a dark patch in my life right now. I am on disability and feel isolated from everyone. I know it is not their fault since they get to go to work and interact with other human beings. I’m not so lucky. I have a few things that keep my sanity levels from plummeting and I wanted to write them down so I can remind myself on what to do. Kind of like a life preserver, if you will.

* Music
My favorite music is from the 70s but I do like any kind. It helps to move around and otherwise, lift my spirits for that time.

*My dogs
They need to be taken care of, as well as myself. They get me up to go outside and play. Sometimes I wish I was a dog so I have absolutely no worries, especially if I had a very caring owner.

*Coloring books
I have a mess of these and in all types. They help with keeping me focused on what I am doing right now. No worries about my ‘dark cloud’. Just me, a book and colors of pens/pencils.

*My Blog
My blog is like my friend that I can say anything to and not judge or get upset. If I want to write about my good or bad days, I do it. Some people who follow don’t like the ugly truth but it’s there. We all get them…I can just say them

These are just a few mind distractions that I use. I’m pretty sure I am missing a few but these are my go-tos. If you have any, please let me know in the comments. I would love to know how you handle your ‘Dark Cloud’.

 

**DJSpoonieGirl**

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Holiday Shuffle

Ah yes…the holidays.  That time of the year, for me, I could easily close my eyes and wish it away.  The whole season is just one  push after another.  Push…buy this.  Push….Be Happy.  Push, push push, push.  My life does not consist of all this.  Granted, it is nice to have people around to talk to but I have become more cynical towards people…no matter who they are to me.  But that’s just me protecting myself and my ‘spoons’.  I really don’t need to pretend to be happy.

First holiday to conquer is Thanksgiving.  This one is a hard one since we do both families. Eat at one house, eat at another … just like most are doing on that day.  Sucks we really cannot bring our boys since it gets chaotic.  The next day is usually a recover day since I do not partake of the crazy, bat-shit shoppers.  Then there’s the 4 weeks of commercials, holiday shows, and charities bombardment.  Makes you wish for January to save you from all that!

Holidays play on my mental well being as well. Even though I am not diagnosed with depression, I do feel it more during this time of the year.  I miss my dad, Rest his soul.  I miss the fact that I will never celebrate this holiday through my own children’s eyes. I miss the feeling of being wanted and not only for the holidays because you have to.   I miss having a simple life…no meds, no complications, no doctors, etc.

I wish I could work so I could have a purpose in life.  I really don’t feel like I do.  When I sit around the table with folks, I really have nothing to contribute.  I just stare at them and politely smile.  My life consists of Netflix, watching out the window and taking care of my boys.  I’m limited with driving because of drop foot.  Everything just makes me so angry inside that I wish I could just scream!  I’m grateful for the two friends who I do see and hang out with. I’m grateful for my Internet friends who listen when I want to just crawl under a rock and die.  I need a vacation from the holidays.  I mean, seriously, who is going to miss me for one freakin’ day?  I’m just done with it all.  I don’t decorate and my tree stays up all year (it’s a live tree).  My mind doesn’t feel right and it’s getting angrier.

So bring on the holidays of ‘pretend happy’.  I’ll hide in my coffee and pumpkin pie.  Have a good cry when I’m alone (which is a lot). Hope, as each day passes, the pain lessens in my body and my mind.

 

**DJSpoonieGirl**

The Chronic Illness Life

As I was laying in bed last night thinking about a numerous things, a lot of it is not attainable without someone driving me.  This made me so angry and upset since I have a nice car, paid for and has gas and I cannot drive it because of this stupid nerve bullshit.  Yeah, I’m thankful for what I do have but why is shit being taken away from me?

I seriously am going stir crazy in this house without any means, on my own, to leave.  Yes, I can call my peeps to drive me wherever but the luxury of doing it by myself is gone.  POOF!  Even just to walk to my grocery store which is about a 6 minute walk (no kidding) is a challenge for me.  I’m just so depressed that I cannot do for myself lately that I just don’t care what happens anymore.  I want to destroy my body and start new.  I know that ain’t gonna happen but that is how I feel.  I tried reading positive affirmations and whatnot but it just not helping today.  Maybe it’s a lack of good sleep that’s making me into a Queen Bitch but damn it, I deserve a break.  It’s always one thing clears up and another pops up.  I just want one week of everything working correctly.  I know my brain and heart are healthy but these two ‘kids’ aren’t playing nice with each other.

I am coming out of my skin with being here everyday.  Thankfully, the weather is getting nicer and I can get outside.  I clearly understand why us chronic illness folks say ‘I’m fine’ when someone asks how we are.  I really don’t want to be reminded.  I mean thanks for asking but I honestly don’t want to be reminded of this bullshit.  I hope, whoever reads this, are grateful for the ability to do things without the help of others.  I miss driving and visiting my mom.  I miss just driving up to Kroger and getting stuff for dinner that night.  I miss my spontaneous trip to Taco Bell because I had a hankering for tacos.  Everything just stopped…my world stopped.  I now watch it go by from a picture window as I sit on the couch.  This plain sucks ass…

 

**DJSpoonieGirl**