Ah yes…the holidays. That time of the year, for me, I could easily close my eyes and wish it away. The whole season is just one push after another. Push…buy this. Push….Be Happy. Push, push push, push. My life does not consist of all this. Granted, it is nice to have people around to talk to but I have become more cynical towards people…no matter who they are to me. But that’s just me protecting myself and my ‘spoons’. I really don’t need to pretend to be happy.
First holiday to conquer is Thanksgiving. This one is a hard one since we do both families. Eat at one house, eat at another … just like most are doing on that day. Sucks we really cannot bring our boys since it gets chaotic. The next day is usually a recover day since I do not partake of the crazy, bat-shit shoppers. Then there’s the 4 weeks of commercials, holiday shows, and charities bombardment. Makes you wish for January to save you from all that!
Holidays play on my mental well being as well. Even though I am not diagnosed with depression, I do feel it more during this time of the year. I miss my dad, Rest his soul. I miss the fact that I will never celebrate this holiday through my own children’s eyes. I miss the feeling of being wanted and not only for the holidays because you have to. I miss having a simple life…no meds, no complications, no doctors, etc.
I wish I could work so I could have a purpose in life. I really don’t feel like I do. When I sit around the table with folks, I really have nothing to contribute. I just stare at them and politely smile. My life consists of Netflix, watching out the window and taking care of my boys. I’m limited with driving because of drop foot. Everything just makes me so angry inside that I wish I could just scream! I’m grateful for the two friends who I do see and hang out with. I’m grateful for my Internet friends who listen when I want to just crawl under a rock and die. I need a vacation from the holidays. I mean, seriously, who is going to miss me for one freakin’ day? I’m just done with it all. I don’t decorate and my tree stays up all year (it’s a live tree). My mind doesn’t feel right and it’s getting angrier.
So bring on the holidays of ‘pretend happy’. I’ll hide in my coffee and pumpkin pie. Have a good cry when I’m alone (which is a lot). Hope, as each day passes, the pain lessens in my body and my mind.