As I was laying in bed last night thinking about a numerous things, a lot of it is not attainable without someone driving me. This made me so angry and upset since I have a nice car, paid for and has gas and I cannot drive it because of this stupid nerve bullshit. Yeah, I’m thankful for what I do have but why is shit being taken away from me?
I seriously am going stir crazy in this house without any means, on my own, to leave. Yes, I can call my peeps to drive me wherever but the luxury of doing it by myself is gone. POOF! Even just to walk to my grocery store which is about a 6 minute walk (no kidding) is a challenge for me. I’m just so depressed that I cannot do for myself lately that I just don’t care what happens anymore. I want to destroy my body and start new. I know that ain’t gonna happen but that is how I feel. I tried reading positive affirmations and whatnot but it just not helping today. Maybe it’s a lack of good sleep that’s making me into a Queen Bitch but damn it, I deserve a break. It’s always one thing clears up and another pops up. I just want one week of everything working correctly. I know my brain and heart are healthy but these two ‘kids’ aren’t playing nice with each other.
I am coming out of my skin with being here everyday. Thankfully, the weather is getting nicer and I can get outside. I clearly understand why us chronic illness folks say ‘I’m fine’ when someone asks how we are. I really don’t want to be reminded. I mean thanks for asking but I honestly don’t want to be reminded of this bullshit. I hope, whoever reads this, are grateful for the ability to do things without the help of others. I miss driving and visiting my mom. I miss just driving up to Kroger and getting stuff for dinner that night. I miss my spontaneous trip to Taco Bell because I had a hankering for tacos. Everything just stopped…my world stopped. I now watch it go by from a picture window as I sit on the couch. This plain sucks ass…