Lupus is a cruel mystery. I am a true testimonial to that. Here, I thought, I could start doing cute hair styles and be ‘girlie’, Lupus starts up with the hair loss cycle again. As before (meaning before I shaved my hair off), I tried to do the comb over and it frustrated me more than anything. The thought of ‘is that piece covering?’ lingered inside my head. I have heard the whispers and seen the stares from people and it hurts. People, if you are curious, then just ask! Sheesh! There is a polite way of asking versus staring at me like a freak. Unreal.
Anywho, back to now. So, I thought I would try to let the top grow out and shave the sides. Well the shaved sides worked out great but letting the top grow long is just a recipe for disaster for me. I forgot about knots in the hair which lead to finding hairs in my comb (saddness #1). I run my hands through it and find a handful of hairs (saddness #2). Looking in the mirror and seeing these glaring bald spots staring straight at me (saddness #3). It made me really sad that my hair is falling out again. I don’t know if it is the styling products, hairdryer or my last coloring did it in but no matter how you look at it, it’s falling out. I have said to many people that I am not attached to my hair but I was looking forward to having something. But yesterday was my last straw! I was steps to shaving it all off because I was tired of trying to cover. Thankfully, the woman who does my hair has no reservation in doing what I want. I told her I want it spikey and I understand that my spots will show. Hell, they show now! What’s the difference? At least, when I leave my house, I know the spots will be visible and I expect that. Not as before, I was afraid to wear my hat because it would mess up my hair or the wind or whatever. Now I can just be me. It is a freeing sensation since I always wanted this haircut and was told no so many times. But now I have it and I am me.
Yes, it is sad that my hair started to fall out again. I figure Lupus does go through cycles and this is just one of them. I do mourn for my former self…a lot. I wish for not having so many pills, doctors, health problems, etc etc but then I think, I met so many great folks, learned so much about autoimmune (not just Lupus), I walk for the causes.
So today being Friday, I’m going to enjoy Friday. It’s only hair and if people want to stare, maybe I will wave back if I catch them looking at me. 🙂