Posted in Everyday, Health

Radiation – It’s Not Killing Cancer

I know I have posted something similar but I think it deserves to be heard again.  I have been through two rounds of radiation to ‘kill’ cancer cells.  Well, this ‘miracle cure’ does not only kill those cells, it kills healthy ones as well.  On an average person, this may be ok and bounce back…I am not the case.  My immune system is already compromised!  My body was not healed from the first time when they started on the second round.  So the side effects were twice as bad.

Why am I writing about this now?  Because as I type, I am still in pain from urinating almost 30 minutes ago!  My oncologist gave me this cream that doesn’t help.  It burns like shit putting it on but that’s it.  Great, more pain!  Speaking of the oncologist, I see him in April, probably order a CT.  I just wonder if there is any other options than poisoning a body that cannot handle another treatment.  This is making my quality of life miserable!  I hate being afraid of the bathroom, hate being afraid of drinking or eating.  Everything I look at gives me fear of what will happen if I ingest that.  Unless you have been through it, you won’t get it.  Best way I can describe this pain in my urethra is something like this.  If you ever had a catheter and instead of them easily taking it out, they rip it right out.  Yup, you see those stars? That’s what I see when I pee every…single….time.    It’s depressing, makes me so sad and I have become isolated.  I’m done.  Just let cancer take me.  These side effects are just not worth it.  I miss me.  I can understand why cancer patients give up on life.  I’m at the point.  When I talk to my dr, if he cannot give me any other option besides this poisoning, I don’t want it.  I’M DONE!  Yeah, it’s selfish but again, you do not know what I go through with this pain, mentally and physically, everyday.

Now I have this dumb lazy eyelid.  Thankfully it doesn’t hurt like last time but definitely can tell it is not opening all the way.  I take Benadryl for that to keep from getting too swollen.  Plus it helps me stay asleep along with my Ambien.  That’s all I want to do is sleep and hide in my bed or in my room.  I really don’t find much joy in things anymore.  No sex life whatsoever because my drive is gone.  I wouldn’t blame hubby if he left me.  Who would want me?  I’m a walking medical bill that skyrockets into the 10 thousands.  I’m afraid to tell anyone of any other problems I am having since it may lead to another stay at the hospital with them not finding a damn thing.

Just wish I could catch a break at some point.



Just me trying to make ever day count.

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